Hi! This is my first post and I am very excited. First, there are a couple of things you should know about me.
1) I am not a writer. It is not my strength (unless you have me do a killer research paper). So why am I writing on a blog??? I'm really not sure but I do know that I have a lot of things to say and I feel like I need to say them. 2) I'm an introvert. Don't get me wrong, I love people. I love making new friends and listening to what they have to say. 3) I'm a listener. I prefer to sit back and listen to a conversation and occasionally put my input, than to be leading it. So this is odd for me. An introverted non-writer, who usually doesn't put her input on things, is writing on a blog her thoughts and input for the world to see. There's another thing you should know about me. I get attached. Very easily. Usually, I'm the listener and the comforter. But when someone takes time to listen to me and be my friend, it means a lot. I fall in love with what seems like every person I meet. I want them to succeed and I want them to be happy. I get excited when they tell me something good about their day and I get to see their eyes light up. I get sad when I see that they're sad. This is one of my favorite qualities in myself. It come natural for me to love. But when you put all your love and trust and time affection in someone, you become vulnerable. You're giving yourself to them, giving them to power to either protect you or let you fall. I made that mistake. I fell too quickly and too hard. I'm not going to go too far into it, because it wasn't that long ago, but I'll give a brief overview. I met this boy. He was awesome and he was my best friend. I LOVED talking to him. So much so, that I'd stay up every single night until 3 in the morning talking on the phone, even though I knew I had 3 tests at school the next day. He listened to my problems, and didn't judge me for it. I listened to his. He made me laugh and knew how to instantly make my day better. I put all of my trust and heart into him. That's where I went wrong. I should've been putting all my trust and heart into God. How selfish it was of me to stick around with this boy, because I thought he was the best I had. God listens to my problems and doesn't judge me for it. HE can instantly make my day better. He knows how to make me laugh. God should've been my best friend and he is awesome. I should've been staying up till 3 am talking to God. Why did I think someone else could love me better than God? I told myself , "He's my best friend. I love him and he could never come between me and God." It turns out, I'm wrong a lot more than I think. This boy wasn't in the wrong. I was. I knew from the beginning I couldn't do it. I knew dating him wasn't going to glorify God. But I didn't care. I thought i could brush it off. I told God, "I'm right and you're wrong." But you can;t just ignore the Holy Spirit. It was easy at first. But as days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months. I couldn't do it. I felt like my sin was eating me alive. God had been telling me it's a bad idea for forever. He told me constantly through my thoughts, through my closet friends, through sermons at church... But let me tell you. Ignoring God never works. Late in June, me and my best friend Stacie visited a new church on a Sunday night. The preacher looked into the audience and said, "Who are you worshipping when you are with your boyfriend." I immediately broke into tears. I felt God inside me saying, "It's time." When I was with him I was worshipping myself. I called him that night and told him everything. I told him how I had to choose between a relationship with God and a relationship with him, and that I chose God. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. He's not a believer. I prayed and prayed and prayed he'd understand. Flash forward- weeks later. It hurt so much. I missed him so much. "Why?" I yelled to God. "You have me break up with him and I thought it'd all be fine after but this sucks." I thought God had let me down. He didn't. "Just wait," He said. I waited. and waited. and waited. Things happened. I found out some things about the whole situation that broke my heart. Me and him had multiple arguments. I cried, and cried. I turned to God so many times. How could God let me feel so alone? I waited, and waited. We argued more. All of a sudden, he was no longer the perfect boyfriend I thought I had had. God was showing me something. He was answering me. I finally felt God's presence for the first time since the breakup (even though God was by my side the whole time). God showed me what I was wasting my time on, time that should've been spent with Him. I've rededicated myself to Jesus. I'm turning away from my life full of sin and disobedience. I've grown so much closer to God through this hurt. Through this hurt and trial, God has revealed to me who my real friends are, and I've grown even closer to them through this. I've grown closer to my mom. I tell her things now. (Spoiler alert: most moms actually care for you). I've matured so much and grown spiritually so so so so much within this short time. I went through one of the toughest trials in my short life and I am so glad I did. I never thought I would say that. God places things in our lives that we don't understand. Sometimes it sucks. It seems like the end of the world. And its so hard sometimes to remember that He knows what He's doing. Remember when you were 5 and had to learn how to ride a bike? It was frustrating. You had so many bumps and scratches and it seems like it's been hours. You want to give up. But your dad says "Get up and try again." You don't understand the point. Why try? You just keep getting hurt and you don't even care anymore. But you listen to your dad. You get up and try again. Next thing you know you're speeding around the neighborhood and forget you even got any scratches. You didn't understand why your dad was making you ride when you were just going to get hurt. But he knew the outcome and he knew you'd be so happy once the hard part is over. And you were. Guys! That's like God! I'm content with myself and I strive to trust God always now because of these trials! REMEMBER!! GOD IS SOOOO GOOD!! HE KNOWS WHAT HE'S DOING!! It's difficult sometimes, I know. But just putting your trust in God is so much better than anything else in the long run. Jesus knows hurt. Such a short yet powerful verse: "Jesus wept." John 11:35. He knows. Anyways. Those are my thoughts for today. Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6 When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. Isaiah 43:2
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